Estrangement of an adult child, which often leads to grandparent estrangement is an epidemic that most people don’t talk about.

My hope is that if you, too, have experienced the heartbreak of the estrangement of an adult child or grandparent estrangement, you will understand that you are not alone. In fact, good mother, you will find that many others share in your grief. We need not be silent. Nor should we be ashamed. Though it is not easy, we can come to a place of acceptance. 

I am Honey Good. There was a time when I was a grandmother to many grands. Read on, I am here to share my story. 

It isn’t easy to tell my story. As a matter of fact, it has taken me nearly eight years to expose the pain a mother goes through when her adult child rejects her. Yes, I am the mother of adult children who are no longer in my life. It was their choice. 

What prompted me to divulge my pain? I am writing my story because I studied this topic. Over time I have learned there is an epidemic of children who no longer speak to their parents. Millions strong — which is why I started a private Facebook estrangement group with the same name, click here to join. This often sadly brings grandparent estrangement into the epidemic as well. I’m sure, like myself, many of these parents do wonder how their ‘crime’ merits the severity of their punishment.

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ESTRANGEMENT FROM AN ADULT CHILD AND GRANDPARENT ESTRANGEMENT

I have had to emotionally battle my way out of grief. Though the pain and sadness will never leave, there have been some experiences and people that have made my life more tolerable. My husband and his family’s love. My daughter-in-law, Jami and my three grandsons; Scott, Logan, and David and their wives, Annie and Katie. My Ultimate Concierge’s sister and her family make me feel I am a part of the family.  The support of my ‘best’ friends, an extraordinary happening, and finally the moment of clarity: If anyone treats me unkindly, I learned to back away.  Anyone. 

If when you close your eyes each night you feel good about all you have done concerning your actions and reactions in your attempts to rekindle the relationship with your family members, then you must accept what is. You must go forward with your life remembering you cannot change your adult child’s ‘expectations without the child wanting a conversation.

RELATIONSHIP FALLOUTS

One of my adult children has not spoken to me in 8 years. Unfortunately, for my grandchildren, my daughter made this a family affair instead of a mother-daughter situation. I am guessing that she needed an army behind her to justify her action. An action that was not only unjust to her mother and children but also unjust to herself. And I am sure she does not rest peacefully. I know my daughter.

If she had communication skills I believe our sad situation could have been avoided. She would not communicate with me. She has said five words to me in all these years. “Mom, you would not understand.” When I asked her to give me a chance. No response. 

I have lost contact with my grandchildren, a great granddaughter, my other daughter, and my sons-in-law.  

There was no argument between my daughter and myself. Up until that time, my relationship with all my grandchildren was warm and very very loving. The relationship with my sons-in-law as well. I have come to the conclusion that she is uncomfortable having me in her presence and decided to exclude me from the family tree. But, I am assuming. 

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A HARD JOURNEY TO TRAVEL 

The purpose of my story is not to discuss my history with my daughter. It is to tell you how I healed from her loss and the loss of the rest of my family. This has not been an easy journey and the scars will always remain raw.

It took eight years to come to terms with this troubling issue. To understand the importance of not letting the situation determine my happiness or allow it to stop me from enjoying a fruitful personal life with my Ultimate Concierge and the rest of my large family. Of course, I will never be able to stop grieving and aching over these losses but I have learned to cope most of the time.

HOW I HEALED

This is the story of how I handled myself, these past several years, as a mother and grandmother. Also the story of two positive happenings that helped bring the issue full circle. 

ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION

I have asked myself a thousand times, “Why did I take the high road when this started? Why didn’t I roar out over the years? Because, until recently, I have always thought taking the high road was a better choice. And, I still do with one caveat —know the player before you make your decision.

Though I took the high road, my attempts at reconciliation failed. At the onset, I sent her sentimental gifts. One was a paperweight with her zodiac sign. The card read: “I have loved you since the first time I held you in my arms.” That gift, I believe, was sent back with a short note. Again, I sent another loving gift and when I received no response, I stopped. 

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THE EMOTIONAL PAIN OF CHILD AND GRANDPARENT ESTRANGEMENT

Many hours have been spent over the years thinking about my relationship with my daughter. I know my strengths and weaknesses. My weaknesses would, in normal circumstances, not prompt this type of estrangement in families. This I know. This she knows.

It is shocking that estranged family members can find  justification for their actions.

I believe their expectations of their parents are abnormally high. Their communication skills abnormally low. And, their hurt, anger or jealousy so intense that they see no other route but to estrange themselves. What a loss for the adult child; not to have her mother. What a loss for a mother. And what a loss for the grandchildren. How many daughters would give anything to have their mother.

A psychiatrist friend told me he had many daughters in his office lying on his couch. They would tell him how much they hated their moms but after many sessions these daughters admitted  they never stopped loving their mother. And, in my situation, I feel in my heart, my daughter(s) love me. Yet, I believe the daughter who started this feels her decision was healthy for her. How selfish.  

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MY MOMENT OF ACCEPTANCE

I came to a healthy but sad conclusion the day I walked alone in a labyrinth far above the Pacific Ocean.

The experience did  not stop me from spending hours crying and talking late into the night with my Ultimate Concierge. There have been many hours over the years I have grieved alone over my loss. Some nights I have told my Ultimate Concierge I was choking with grief and could not go on without my whole family. What I realized much much later is that I was going through the steps of mourning though my family was alive.  How did I know? I was widowed in my forties.

“Always I will offer my daughter her right of passage to come home to her mother. I am her mother. That cord can never be severed.” —Honey Good

My Ultimate Concierge has been my rock as has my blended family that I consider my own. Though I know the crying will never stop I also know that my life has meaning and I am going to live it to the fullest. And, I want you to do the same.  

My role as a mother and a grandmother in my daughter’s family gave me an uplifting sense of love, meaning and purpose. That is no more. I am sure some of you feel the same.

My emotions run wild. Sometimes, I feel sad, sometimes hurt. I am often bewildered, sometimes furious, and sometimes exhausted from the experience. 

ACCEPTING IS A POSITIVE PART OF HEALING

Six years ago my Ultimate Concierge and I spent a week at a spa, The Golden Door. One day we hiked, just the two of us with a guide to the top of a mountain overlooking the Pacific Ocean. There was a labyrinth. A complicated irregular network of passages or paths in which it is difficult to find one’s way. The sages say that if you complete the path you will find your answer to a question.

Neither of us wanted to walk in the labyrinth. I ultimately did but not before I said to the guide, “I have nothing on my mind.” I meant it. 

Curiously, the moment I set foot into the labyrinth, my thoughts drifted to the unhappy situation that I have with my daughter. When I walked out I felt a new beginning emerge. 

A MAZE OF FEELINGS

Walking through the maze I thought about my actions as a mom and my behavior over the past several years. I have come to the conclusion that my presence in my daughter’s life makes her unhappy and uncomfortable. That she did what she had to do to be happy. Though I often wonder how happy she is because she is a loving and caring young woman who has sent me many cards and gifts over the years telling me how much she loved and respected me.

After I completed my walk, the guide walked up to me and held out a black bag. She said, “Put your hand into this bag and choose your treasure. It is filled with rocks, each with a different saying.” I put my hand into the black bag and took out one of the rocks. I could not believe the word that stared me in the face… ACCEPT.

The word on my rock gives me peace. It sits on my perfume tray as a reminder that I must accept what is not in my power to change. I have done what I think I can to reconcile with her and now it is time to try and accept.

Though it is difficult, when you come to a point where you have done everything in your power, acceptance of the child or grandparent’s estrangement is the only way forward.

And, for you, my sweet reader who may be experiencing my circumstances, you too must try and accept what is not in your power to change. Whether it is with the estrangement of an adult child or grandparent estrangement. 

I also question my actions. Maybe I should not have taken the high road in this situation? Perhaps I could have stopped the bleeding. Was I right to keep my silence? I will never know. But, my gut instinct tells me I should have roared.  

THE DAWNING 

Not long ago, in the early morning, I was sitting at my desk. I was staring at family photos and keepsakes when a light bulb went off. 

Out loud I said to myself, “OMG, I have suffered what amounts to death. Losing an adult child who no longer wants me in her life is a death.” Coupled with the loss of my entire family.

This day was another turning point of transformation. It had never dawned on me that I had been in mourning.

Dear sweet reader, you have to mourn the loss of loved ones in your life. This is necessary to evolve into the stage of reconstructing your life. 

Dealing with the alienation of a child took  years for me to go through the process of:

• Shock
• Grief
• Anger
• Depression 
• and finally to ACCEPTANCE  

I tell myself, “Fortunately, I have other grandchildren and adult children on my husband’s side with who I share a strong and loving bond. They fill my cup. They tell me I fill theirs. I am smiling.”

Currently I am hard at work on an e-workbook to help you through this process that I have developed to help me find peace. I will share it with you soon!

I WILL ALWAYS WONDER…

At times, I wonder how my daughter justifies her  actions. Does she feel sad with a sense of remorse? Only she knows. 

MY MOM AND ME 

I look back on my childhood. My mom was not perfect. We had our mother-daughter differences.  

Nevertheless, she was my mom. The woman who taught me right from wrong. Who wiped my tears. Who explained the importance of kindness and love and giving back and feeling gratitude. The woman who taught me great values. 

All her good outweighed our differences. And, no matter how I felt when we had our mother-daughter disagreements, I never forgot one of the Ten Commandments: Honor thy father and mother. 

I read that in the last decade adult children began disappearing from their parents’ lives. They decided their parents were not making them happy for one reason or another. They take their children with them, causing grandparent estrangement. I come, like all of you, from a generation that parents deserve a place of honor in the family. 

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A MOTHER IS A MOTHER

Honestly, I can’t understand what goes on in an adult child’s mind to completely end a relationship with a parent(s). Or to cut their children out of their grandparents’ lives. Except in situations of cruelty, non-stop criticism, alcoholism, fear, or lack of love. I will never give up hope that there will come a day when my daughter and I will reconcile. My daughter holds the cards in her hand. Only she knows.

Until then I will live each day to its fullest while never tucking away my true feelings. If I am sad, I will cry. If I feel rage, I will roar to my Ultimate Concierge because you can’t bury the  mother-daughter relationship. Even the ones that are off the track.  

Always I will offer my daughter her right of passage to come home to her mother. I am her mother. That cord can never be severed.  

I offer these resources:

My supportive private Facebook group, Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong

This book by psychologist, Joshua Coleman, When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along

“A unique book helping parents whose relationship with their older or adult child has not turned out as they expected deal with grandparent estrangement and their pain, shame, and sense of loss, and take steps toward healing.”

And this book, Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children By Sheri McGregor, M.A. 

Look for my e-workbook soon!

I would love to hear from you. Are you a mother with an estranged adult child and/or grandchildren? Have you found a way to move forward? Please join the conversation and leave a comment below. 

Please share this story so others will know they are not alone.

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