Dear readers, I am frequently asked this question: “What do I do when my adult child will not speak to me?” Adult child estrangement is affecting millions of mothers worldwide. Good mothers like you and I. Mothers who love their adult children fiercely, who don’t know what they have done wrong, and would move mountains to have a healthy relationship with their adult child again.
You might be thinking, “Honey, you are wrong. I don’t know anyone who has been rejected by their adult children!” Consider this: the reason you’re unaware is because these mothers feel ashamed and embarrassed and therefore, they remain silent. If you are suffering because your adult child won’t speak to you, I ask you to stop feeling ashamed and to speak up. You are one of millions of other mothers who are silently struggling, lonely, and heartbroken.
The rise of adult child estrangement
An early morning, not long ago, I climbed out of our warm and comfy bed. After I made coffee, I jumped back into bed with my ultimate concierge, grabbed my laptop (as I always do) and clicked on my email.
I saw messages from a few of my early-riser girlfriends, my grandson Joe, and a new email from a website I had not heard of previously.
The first few words of this email captured my attention, so I clicked through to the website. The title of the first story was, “What To Do When Your Grown Up Kids Won’t Talk to You.” Directly under that story was another one talking about the same subject, “Why Some Grown Kids Cut Off Their Parents.”
I continued to read the first story which began like this, “In the painful days after my husband’s death, I crafted a eulogy that concluded with a thought from the ‘Book of Laughter and Forgetting,’ by Milan Kundera. The key sentence in the eulogy: Love is a constant interrogation.”
I immediately connected with the writer’s story about losing her husband. Because I, too, have lived through the tragedy of watching my children lose their father while facing my own widowhood. Read more about my experience here.
Blending families and adult child estrangement
My second husband, Shelly, is also a widower who has children who lost a mother.
In addition to losing a parent, our children have had to deal with the joy and conflict that comes with the blending of a family when their parents remarried. Blending a family can be tumultuous. Life changes for adult children the second time around. The older children move through the experience of trying to blend with another family, and yet, sadly, families are never completely ‘whole’ again after one parent dies.
Family relationships as a woman over 50 can be complicated!
Solidarity in adult child estrangement is comforting
It doesn’t fix the problem to know that you aren’t alone in adult child estrangement, but it does bring courage, hope, and solidarity. I continued to read this woman’s story, relating to the words I read and feeling seen.
I want sorrowful and good mothers living through the ordeal of being “cut off” by their adult children to know they are not alone. Good mothers should know there is an epidemic and they are one of many afflicted.
To me, deliberate loss of touch with a mother leaves me horrified. If only every adult child could understand what a gut-wrenching experience this is for their mother. I feel a child who does this has personal problems. Of course, if there is psychological, sexual or physical abuse from a parent, the adult child has the right to disengage.
When faced with rejection, a mother asks herself, “Did I fail? Didn’t I teach my children the importance of compassion, empathy, respect, values, and the art of communication? Why do some adult children cut off their mother? Why can other children with more serious struggles with their parents stay connected through thick and thin?”
Two schools of thought on adult child estrangement
This is my belief on the subject
I believe that no matter what happens, your mother is your mother. The Ten Commandments state to honor thy father and thy mother. As a daughter, I had many stormy days with my mom, but I would never think to cut her off completely. I would argue, but never take flight! And, right or wrong, I apologized. Period.
The other school of thought
After being baffled by the dynamics of my own adult child estrangement, I hunted down expert guidance on my situation. What I discovered from learned psychologists and psychiatrists is that adult children take flight because they feel a sense of relief, their expectations are too high or they lack the means to communicate.
Why? They lack the fortitude and skills necessary to address and resolve any problems or conflict with their mother; it is too much for them to handle.
I question if they really take flight. I don’t believe they can. They are left with the unresolved and have to be feeling anxious at times and stressed. They want to feel disconnected, but they never will be free of their mother.
What can a mother do when an adult child will not speak to her?
1. Stay Connected
Maintain a relationship with the other members of your family. Demonstrate to your grands and others that you will never “take flight.” Explain to them they can show loyalty to their mother and grandmother.
2. Seek Support
Talk to a therapist or join one of the many support groups that are available. Come join my private Facebook group: Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong
3. Remain True to Yourself
Don’t let anger rule and don’t cut off your adult child. Continue to send birthday cards or a small sentimental gift. It’s important to stay in touch with your other children and your grandchildren. This will bring you comfort.
4. Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry
Avoid alienating your grandchildren. Keep the details of your estrangement out of the conversations with your other children or grandchildren. Pitting family members against one another or expecting them to take sides will only cause heartache.
5. Be An Example
Hopefully, one day your adult child’s door will open and when it does, you must be the bigger person. Bite your tongue and listen with an open mind and heart. It may be very hard, but don’t get caught up in your feelings. Be empathetic to your adult child. Be an example.
6. Live a Full Life
Until reconciliation happens, you must live a full life. You did not leave your child. You are a good mother and a good woman.
Adult child estrangement can never sever the mother-child bond
In an article about adult child estrangement, Elizabeth Vagnoni, a mother estranged from her two adult sons, wrote: “76% of adult children say that being estranged has affected their well-being, even though it appears to have been their choice.”
I agree. An adult child cannot escape the mother-child bond.
That is why you should hang in there.
Adult child estrangement is such a complicated topic and no two experiences are the same. Each family is unique, and each adult child and mother has their own view of events leading up to a splintering.
But I want to leave you with a few thoughts:
1. If your child reaches out to you, establish a shared set of future boundaries.
2. If your child does not reach out to you, don’t close the door. Consider writing them a personal letter. “Let’s find common ground to resolve our conflicts. I love you and miss you. I need you. Let’s talk.” Do not expect a response. You opened the door and hopefully one day he or she will walk through it.
3. Lastly, do not demean yourself. Never feel ashamed. You are not the only one experiencing adult child estrangement. Many professional doctors say our generation of parents spared the rod and spoiled the child. They may be 100% correct.
If there is someone in your life experiencing adult child estrangement, consider sending them this story!
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