When talking about female friendships, it seems imperative to address why women bully other women.

When I write about my husband, Sheldon Good, I typically mention he is my best friend. He’s also my best girlfriend. While it may sound strange to call my very masculine husband my best girlfriend, I think I am savvy to realize and appreciate this gift. Sharing is caring and whether I am over the top elated or a little blue, he always has my best interests at heart. He is my sounding board and my comfort.

I remember when writing this story, he looked up from his newspaper and asked, “What are you writing about today?” I replied, “Women who bully other women.”

While most men would go back to reading their paper, not my husband. He is a kibitzer and loves to give me advice. He quipped, “Don’t forget to tell your gals people throw stones at fruit-bearing trees.” I smiled (he is right, you know).

Why Do Women Bully Their Friends?

Girlfriends are a great source of joy in our lives. Most women are compassionate and have the desire to support and nurture one another… yours truly included. The female experience is a sisterhood because no one understands us better than us. If you are looking for female friendship, I recommend joining my private Facebook community, Women over 50: Celebrate Visibility.

So, what do you do when your emotional radar picks up on an unpleasant personality shift in a close friend? Out of nowhere, you are caught off guard when your girlfriend’s behavior takes on a bullying pattern and she becomes mean-spirited.

What Does Girlfriend Bullying Look Like?

Bullying from a girlfriend often shows up in subtle behaviors that can be damaging to your self-esteem and mental health. You may not even notice the bullying when it begins. This is a list of some of the common ways that girlfriend bullying can rear its ugly head. If you recognize any of these behaviors in your girlfriends, you must take action to ensure that your friendships stay sources of joy, not distress.

1. Exclusion: Intentionally leaving someone out of meet-ups, parties, or group chats.
2. Spreading Rumors: Sharing false or exaggerated stories about someone to damage their reputation.
3. Public Embarrassment: Making fun of someone or calling them names in front of others to humiliate them.
4. Manipulation: Coercing someone into doing something they’re uncomfortable with by using guilt or threats.
5. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly rather than openly through backhanded compliments or sarcasm. For women, this is very common.
6. Social Media Bullying: While we think of social media bullying as a problem for teens, women of all ages are guilty. Online bullying consists of posting hurtful comments, sharing unflattering photos, or excluding someone from online groups or chats.
7. Gaslighting: Making someone question their own reality through denial of facts, or lying.
8. Physical Intimidation: Less common for women, but still a bullying tactic, is using one’s physical presence to make someone feel unsafe.
9. Isolation: Encouraging others to ignore or avoid someone, effectively isolating them from the group.
10. Criticism: Constantly criticizing someone’s looks, clothing choices, or life decisions to undermine their self-esteem.

I know what it’s like to be bullied by a girlfriend and what to watch for!

Your Choices When Your Friend Becomes a Bully

There are many reasons why women bully each other including insecurity, jealousy, and even mental illness. When you encounter a girlfriend who is a bully, you have two choices.

First, you can disassociate yourself from this woman because you don’t want to deal with the toxic behavior. Or, choice number two, you can try and resolve this attitude change.

What I’ve Learned

If you decide to stay in the relationship, it is important to understand the personality of an aggressive woman who uses bullying tactics.

Here’s what I know about why women bully each other and what I’ve learned about women who bully their friends:

1.     Many women believe they would never bully a friend.

Nothing could be further from the truth writes Cheryl Dellasega, author of Mean Girls Grow Up, and a women’s studies professor at Pennsylvania State University. She writes, “The adult aggressor even gets a little more polished and subtle as they get older.” Their goal? Power over you.

2.     Then there are women who feel invisible and choose to build themselves up by knocking others down.

They will gossip and exclude you in order to demean you, especially if they know they can get away with it. Their issue? Insecurity.

3.     Remember, women do not use their fists, they use their mouths.

Women are very verbal. Verbal aggression is the quickest way to hurt you. Their plan of attack? Talking badly about you to others.

4.    What’s one of the greatest causes of bullying? The bully is jealous.

“Female friendships are one of the greatest comforts and the greatest weapons,” writes Rachel Simmons, author of The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. Power, jealousy, aggression, and insecurity make a bully.

A Feminine Woman is Often the Victim

I think bullies attack women who radiate femininity. A truly feminine woman is loving and full of grace, she is a true lady. She embraces life, exudes warmth, and her beauty shines from the inside out. She is a life force and this makes our bully friend feel threatened.

So, my dear readers, you have a choice: you can help your friend to feel more confident, and hopefully, this will bring out a different side to her. However, more often than not, these types of women don’t want to change.

When your girlfriend becomes a bully, you can decide to ‘delete’ the relationship!

When My Friend Was My Bully

I’ll give you an example from my own life. I thought I had a close friend. We laughed, shared stories, and dined as couples. I loved to be in her company. Then, she began to threaten me, insult me, and made up lies. She even created a negative pet name for me. “How could this be?” I asked myself. “Why is my friend changing?”

One day, after this behavior had continued for a month, I was sitting on my window sill on a gorgeous day looking out at Lake Michigan, when I suddenly began to softly cry. My husband heard me, sat down next to me and asked, “Why are you crying?” I told him about this woman and he asked, “What are you going to do?”

I thought about my role in our relationship. Did I deserve her unkind, aggressive behavior? The answer was an immediate… no! I decided to ‘Delete’ the friendship. My half-full cup was emptying swiftly and my life on the happy side of the street was being affected.

As I mentioned above, it is up to you to decide if you can help your so-called friend ‘see the light.’ Each situation must be judged on its own merit.

My Advice When Girlfriends Become Bullies

Don’t let the situation go on any longer than it should. Don’t allow bullying women to disrespect you. Stand your ground, rather than shy away. Live on the happy side of the street with girlfriends who love you.

Have you ever been bullied by a girlfriend? Share you experience in the comments!