If you care about someone and see them struggling, it’s only natural that you want to help them. The same can be said for someone with promise, but who’s falling short of their potential. Even though you want to help, your assistance isn’t always welcomed. In fact, it may be met with resistance or rejected out of hand. This often happens because they’re unwilling to admit there’s a problem, reluctant to concede a shortcoming, or they’re so set in their ways that they’ve no desire to change. They’d prefer to handle things themself or do nothing at all.
Your first reaction might be that they’re not thinking clearly or that they’re being unreasonable. But it’s their life to live and their choice to make. Even though they complain about their circumstances, they might not be ready to accept help. Plus, it’s a lot easier to blame others or say there’s nothing they can do about it than to meet the challenge head-on. As Andrew Carnegie, the industrialist and philanthropist, said, “You cannot push anyone up the ladder unless he is willing to climb.”
Before they accept assistance, they need to come to the realization that change is required. That often happens in their time frame and on their terms.
The fastest way to make an enemy is to offer advice they don’t want to hear.
The Frustration of Trying to Help Someone Who Resists It
So, here’s the bigger problem…
Even though they refuse help or are unwilling to embrace change, they still want all the trappings of success — despite the fact that it hasn’t been earned.
Moreover, instead of making the required investment, sacrifice, and commitment to be successful, they get angry, dig in their heels, and refuse to accept responsibility for their circumstances.
Meanwhile, it’s just as hard for those who care about them. But the harder they push; the harder folks push back. Even though the help is well-intentioned, the recipient views the offer as a sign of weakness, and it makes them feel inferior.
As a caring individual, it’s logical to ask yourself, Am I wasting my time? The truth is that you can’t force people to change. It must come from them. When people are forced to do something, they’ll go through the motions…but when they embrace change, they’ll follow their heart.
“I can’t” and “I don’t want to” trigger the same results.
How to Help Someone See the Value of Change
Change can be intimidating and uncomfortable, but it’s an essential part of growth and progress. Here are 12 guidelines for introducing change as a positive force in someone’s life:
Make yourself available. Be ready when people request assistance rather than being overbearing.
Be a good listener. Sometimes it’s better to listen than talk. It demonstrates that you care.
Establish intent. Demonstrate that you understand the person’s situation and that you’re acting in their best interest.
Build trust. People are more receptive if they trust and respect you rather than if change is demanded.
Know your expertise. Know what you know, and what you don’t know. If you don’t know something acknowledge it.
Be supportive. Feedback is helpful and constructive; criticism is hurtful and damaging.
Be patient. Being overeager can be a turnoff. People like to move at their own pace.
Take it seriously. Consider the matter thoughtfully rather than shooting from the hip.
Share your knowledge. Provide the rationale for your recommendations. Learning is a catalyst for change.
Be straight with people. If you’re offering an opinion, tell them. An opinion is not a fact.
Know your limitations. Do no harm. Sometimes the best thing to do is to refer someone to an expert.
Help people help themselves. Don’t make people dependent on you.
Standing on Your Own Two Feet Creates Stability
Asking for help is not a weakness. But some people take that to extremes — making no effort to help themselves. Instead, they cry for help to avoid work, dodge commitments, and evade personal responsibility. In essence, they outsource their obligations and become totally dependent on others.
Requesting help is beneficial but be careful it doesn’t become an addiction.
Before asking of others, do for yourself. It’ll strengthen your confidence and self-esteem and it will make you self-sufficient. But, if you find yourself struggling, with no end in sight, swallow your pride and request assistance. There’s a difference between requesting support when you need it and using others as a crutch. By using your muscles regularly, you keep them toned, ready to tackle the next challenge that comes your way. The same can be said for shouldering responsibility. Be strong enough to stand on your own two feet, but wise enough to know when to ask for help.
Check out Franks NEW book, Leadership by Example: Be a role model who inspires greatness in others.
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What Do You Think?
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Additional Reading:
You Can’t Force People to Change
Are You Helping or Hurting?
Change Your Priorities: Change Your Life
Silence…Now Hear This
Is Asking for Help a Weakness?
How to Give Feedback
Who Cares? (I Hope You Do!)
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